Friday, 21 October 2016

I don't know

I was going to post a long comment on my facebook wall but after writing the following just hours earlier I decided to take the plunge and write it here on my blog!

'Written nearly 5 years ago and I still feel the same way, so why have I hardly updated my blog this year?
As I just turned 40 and those close to me are soon to follow suit has saying 'things are fine' as I questioned my life during this milestone stopped me writing in case the truth comes out or is it a case of another year where I sometimes just wasn't well enough to write or press 'publish'?
Fiona Art Fighting the Stigma Blog: Are we really creating awareness if we just say 'Yes, I'm fine'?'

 I don't know if its due to being hours late in taking my antidepressants today (I do not recommend this please take any mental health medication as directed by your medical professional Dosage: See 'Missed or extra doses' section on NHS Antidepressant page), because it's a more emotional time of the month for me, because a situation that has been upsetting me has come to the fore or
because the moon and the stars are having a tea party with dolphins, but a realisation just had me almost tearing up.

Intellectually I know it's ok to be sad and it's healthy to experience a whole host of emotions, but in a society that is choc-a-bloc of encouraged positivity I can attest as a person with depression it's difficult not to feel guilty or a failure that you can't force that positivity into your visible (and hidden) persona.

However it is the same society that as attitudes around mental ill health start to change is also ok for a person (with lots of supportive family and friends) to go through a mental health crisis(breakdown/psychosis/panic attack/severe depressive episode etc) as long as it doesn't last too long and you make sure you are positive and recovered with amazing insights to share straight after.

Hmm, just a teeny weeny bit of cynicism there for free but at least I wrote something! Nanoo Nanoo!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Depression, my lazy weakness or yours?

I have a roof over my head, heating and clothes to keep me warm, food in the fridge and larder, gas to cook on and physical health good enough to cook and move around my home but I'm depressed.

Not depressed like you hear when people talk about #BlueMonday (I prefer the new Mind created #blueanyday and agree with the lovely Jessica who I've had the pleasure of meeting) going back to work after a lovely holiday or depressed that some things in life and society are depressing, but depression, clinical depression.

I suffer, yes today it is suffer, some days it is live with depression, other days I battle depression, but today I suffer with clinical depression and the effort of leaving the bathroom and turning on the laptop to write this has been huge. I just want to cry... well actually I don't want to cry, I'm trying not to cry. I feel worthless, lazy and too many other negative feelings that I'm afraid that in writing them all down I'll descend into a negative spiral as I sit alone. And I'm scared of how I'll be judged, sharing this with a world where nothing ever quite disappears from the internet.

I am late taking my antidepressants today because it's not as simple as 'just' taking them as I couldn't eat anything until I had taken my Levothyroxine with water and waited at least 15-30 minutes, then eat then take the Sertraline. But "that's not difficult!" I hear you say, that's just 3/4 hour maximum from the moment I wake as long as I have the Levothyroxine and water by my bed. Well it would be if the depression I suffer from didn't affect my sleep patterns, my waking patterns and leave me lethargic and feeling like a huge fat blog of lazy worthless blubber.

I couldn't leave my bed for hours, I didn't 'feel' like taking the hypothyroid medication because drinking water would make me hungry and have to leave the bed and face the world and I spent way too long in the bathroom because I look naff, not that I actually did anything to make my self look 'nice' because although I've now taken the Levo, drunk plenty of water and left my bed I've still not brushed my teeth, washed my face or brushed my hair.

"What a lazy, dirty, waste of a human!" my mind and the mind of many others say. The difference between the negative comment I lay upon my self conscious and the negative comment others have laid upon me to my face and behind my back? I have clinical depression and life experiences that I am taking medication (mostly as the doctor prescribes) and going to counseling to try and deal with. And the people that think those thoughts of me and tell others about me? Well they are judgmental, cruel, insensitive, uncaring and,,,, scared.

Sorry, I got distracted there, took a moment to look out my window at the afternoon light catching the leafless burnt umber trees I see standing naked, tall and irregular.

I started this blog post being scared but wanting to write and I've ended sharing a truth I've known for years but that may be new to some. Those who judge me are scared, just as scared as me but in a different way. Scared to catch what I have, scared that my problems will infect their lives, their reputations and scared to admit (apart from in defiance in an argument to say "we all suffer from depression, unlike you I just get on with it and don't make a big fuss!") that they too have suffered at some point in their lives mental ill health and even that they have mental health at all!

I'm still scared of how I'll be judged as a failure but I'm not scared to say I have Clinical Depression. I may be late taking a mental health pill to help me but I'm going to take it now and it was a wise choice that I made to write the moment the mood took me as now despite the tears threatening to come out my eyes, the droop of my face and wearing pj's with dirty hair I now feel a little less worthless and a little more productive which is good for my self esteem and mental wellbeing.

So maybe it's a bit of a lazy weakness to judge a person without getting to know them and based just on what you've always thought, always known or always heard about people with mental illness without questioning or learning more.

So whilst many still judge, fear and bully those with mental ill health I want to share that I'm off to try and have a shower so I can take part in #itaffectsme campaign by Laura on twitter.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015